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Final Fantasy XIII… I spent countless hours in your endless corridors, I pressed the “X” button for what feels like millions upon millions of times. Metacritic.com gave you an average rating of 83, which in my book is very, very good for a game. But here’s the problem, I have a duty that I have given myself, to speak out and give my opinion on what was one of the bigest title releases of 2010. Granted I’m a year late but since I have no publisher to give me free shit, I play things when I can. Well I guess I should start from the beginning…

Story

Final Fantasy has been known for this one category alone. Classic games like Final Fantasy III (VI if your are turning Japanese, I really think so…) or Final Fantasy VII are revered for immaculate story telling, deep complex character development (which in VII’s case is very debatable) and strategic and fun battle systems. XIII really lacks in this category. While other classic FF games took time to educate your main protagonist on the mythology of the land, XIII just kind of throws you in to the thick of it. With no explanation for shit, this game starts throwing fucking lingo at you right off the bat. Do words like Gran Pulse, Focus,  l’Cie, fal’Cie, Cocoon or Purge, mean anything to you? If I started going off saying “My sister was turned into a   l’Cie by a Pulse fal’Cie and now has to be purged for the potential destruction of Cocoon because of her Focus”, what would you say? And in so many words that’s how the game does things. It makes no attempt to explain this. It treats you like you are already a resident in the game’s world (Cocoon) and all this shit is general knowledge. Duh I mean everyone knows knows what a l’Cie brand is right? RIGHT? Well to it’s credit, the game does do the courtesy or explaining all this nonsense within the games data log menu. But still this isn’t the 80′s, back then games had their narratives explained in the manual that came with the game cart. For a high production game like this I’d explain more. I mean the other games explained shit. This game acts like exposition is an option. You know if you are so inclined to pause the game for 20 minutes to catch up on the game’s lingo. But I digress, You take the role mostly as Lightning who is actually pretty bad ass. She’s a no nonsense soldier girl that is quick to act and kicks ass throughout all the game. Not until the game’s ending chapters do you see her more sensitive side. But over all the story didn’t do anything for me. I mean after playing games like the Metal Gear Solid series, Mass Effect, or even Dragon Age, I expect better from Final Fantasy.

Characters

Okay… This is the biggest collection of misfit fucks I have ever had to deal with in a game. Holy crap… Lightning as mentioned earlier is a total girl power bad ass. She fucks shit up and doesn’t look butch about it. Then we have Sazh the black dude. He’s pretty interesting, a pilot, Mr. Fixit of sorts. He has an adorable chocobo chick living in his fro too. Which really serves no purpose other than to come out and make you go “AWWW.” He’s wiser than most character and I didn’t mind him at all. Snow, fuck that guy, a pompous big shot type who thinks he’s the cat’s meow and the hero of the world. I hate people like that in real life, and I hate this asshole no different. I never used him unless forced to.

So cute.. ^-^

Fang is another character I enjoyed, she’s a fucking powerhouse she deals mad damage towards the end of the game. She looks frail but she fucks shit up with a staff weapon and leaves little in her wake. Now we have Vanille. Fucking Vanille. Goddamn mother fucking Vanille… Bitch, shut the fuck up. She is a bubbly, loud, floaty, obnoxious fucking twat that wont shut up. Always gushing and awing at every fucking moment. Sad thing is she is the base for most of the game’s story arch. I literally groaned every time she came on screen. Sadly she is actually useful in battle I did use her a lot… Ugh. Then there’s Hope… Fuck this kid, he’s the typical coming of age young adolescent teen that is confused and wants to be a man. And he wont stop bitching and whining about how weak he is. I hate whiners in real life, and Hope my friend, you are no fucking exception.

Sound

Not much to say really. Final Fantasy music is typically amazing but this title is very hit or miss. Some songs range from forgettable and annoying to masterful and epic. The game’s title them while a pretty song when played in piano, is way over used and is played constantly in various forms. The battle song is pretty catchy too. But I love, simply love the standard boss theme. I even gushed over this song as I played it to friends.

Fuck you….

It’s epic and beautiful. Bravo! Biggest red flag though? The one thing that would make this game at least resemble the classic games is missing. Where. In the fuck. Is. The. Fucking. Fanfare theme? The song that plays after winning a battle is missing. Instead we get some generic bullshit that I can’t even remember at this moment. And that’s bad considering you go through thousands of battles over the course of this ordeal.

Graphics

Okay! Now were talking!! This game is BEA-U-TI-FUL! This is why we play games on HDTV’s. From the opening of the game, this shit grabs your retinas and strangles them out of your ocular cavities. I mean, fuck. This shit looks better than some Pixar shit at times. And I’m talking about in game graphics, The FMV’s are amazing especially on the PS3 in 1080p. This game eye fucks you until you love it, and believe me, it doesn’t take long at all. Hell, I can’t convey it in words, this game is a must SEE if anything. The one thing I don’t like are most of the enemy design choices. They wreak of fancy pants futuristic sleekness. That’s not how a monster should look.

Gameplay

This is where the game falters hard. And I mean hard. Final Fantasy games often are littered with side quests  subplots and various challenges throughout. Most of these are optional but if you are so inclined to get the most out of the games world, you can partake in these. XIII is literally devoid of any challenge for about 40 or so hours. Not only that, there are no side quests or exploration of any kind until chapter 11 of the game’s story. What the fuck? The game gets a bit challenging towards the end of chapter 11 but nothing insane. Shit I beat Devil May Cry 3 on hard so don’t tell me about challenge! This game is one big fucking hallway. Granted it’s a beautiful hall way but it’s linear as shit none the less… The only direction to go is forward, the game might as well have been on rails.

What the fuck are you???

The battle system sucks one too, let me tell you… For about 40 some hours with the exception of like 4 bosses, I won 99% of the thousands of enemy battles by pressing “X” over and over. I’m not exaggerating. I would check Facebook, text friends etc. while fighting monsters. Now the only fights that did give me some trouble, like honest to god trouble, was the final chapter 13 battles. The string of boss fights at the end were sort of aggravating. My point is, if you’re going to make a game hard, than do it. Games have a thing called progression. Don’t hold my hand for some 40 hours and say “Okay lemme kick off those training wheels, and put you on a crotch rocket!” That’s just bad game design I don’t fucking care what you say. Overall I was glad the game ended. Not a good thing…

Conclusion

Overall this game is like that pretty bimbo cheerleader you see in all those high school movies and shows during the 90′s. They are pretty to look at, but under the hood there’s some fucking barbed wire, an electric fence and a 400 lb dude named Hank with a rubber glove waiting for you. Not worth it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to call Sony to see if the “X” button on my controller’s warranty covers Final Fantasy XIII.

Pros

- Graphics

- Overall Design

- Production Values

Cons

- Overall Forgettable Music Score

- Generally Unlikable Characters

- Convoluted Story with Poor Exposition

- Just Plain Boring to Play